And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. He will clean up the kitchen while I sit reading a book. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. He changed. ???? Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Leave me out of the equation. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. But nothing you do will influence him. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. I make sure I am in control off my life. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. But with a plan B in place, a change in power and control in your marriage and the ability to stand up for what YOU and want, you can have a happy marriage. He is just too cowardly to say it. And he doesnt feel like he needs to change. My biggest fear is that what im doing is somehow wrong and will come back to bite me for being so nice and giving him so much freedom. I regret getting married to him. Which I get bc I feel the same way. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. But I know my cutting him loose and telling him he was free to go and I was done being a yo-yo in this M had some impact. Your issues are more than just the A. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. He suddenly realized what an idiot he was and how screwed up he was. But lied about it and snuck around. He may try to blame you. I cant wrap my head around it all still. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. I dont know. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. Linda: I should not have done that. A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. In my case, I am the CS. Its so much pain. He got really angry and said I dont do anything around the house besides feed the baby and that he could do what I do. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. I am just totally losing myself. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. I learned I could not. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. I wish I had lashed out and told him to F off and get out of my life. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. I feel like I hate the guy! How did you control the Panic Attacks? That new love attraction or high. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. unlike the exNOTbestie whore who 4 years later had to act as if she had a right to ever contact any of our family when our son died 6 weeks ago . He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. A partner. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. He said to me a few weeks ago that when we first separated, after a little while he was convinced I was seeing someone else, so he kind of knows how I feel..and I was like umm? Youre absolutely right, they are twins! Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. He said now he know i wasnt love. in the comment section below. You cannot make people wNt something. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out Although he has been. Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. Those are the two choices you have. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. So why would that upset me? The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. He was rude and nasty and everything was my fault his unhappiness was all my fault. My H never complained he had no freedom. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? Let him start to see you in a different way. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. Like I said in my first post, we decided Sunday he would move out. My assumption is that in order to come out of the fog, you have to start making better choices. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . 5 years later we reconciled and we are happy. It makes me wonder if he is with her, but then I think theres no way. I thought we were past the A. I have been in your shoes. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. My H had one. I have lived EXACTLY what you are living. This will never work. His response? So I dont know where that puts anything, but i just cant focus on what hes doing like this. Linda: Honestly, this is why its so difficult to pinpoint because most of the time, when you start doing the things like checking the phone records or talking to the [affair partners]husband, what happens is they end up getting more secretive. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. I need to do the 180 and completely stick to it. 18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair - After My Affair He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. I wish I could control it. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. I really no longer cared. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. We were both really mad. Its not reality. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. He has no right to put you in limbo. January 4, 2017 I saw a 5 second call to Hs coworker (whom I ALWAYS been uncomfortable and suspicious about, as she is a known who*e and homewrecker in his workplace. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. Complete disrespect. NO YELLING! Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. I phoned a friend who had worked there and knew this woman. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? It was so romantic. He comes to see the baby and not you AND the baby. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get You cannot tell your H to leave and not enforce it. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. Im not going to accept it. Whatever you decide. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. He had a no contact with her for about 2 months. 1. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. im just so confused. Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Sarah | The Hearts Blessing Presents Series I wonder, if/when the fog clears, how do you lay a new foundation of trust in the age of smartphones and computers? They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. I hope all is well!!! He realized how disrespectful it was. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. Sometimes, he wants to discuss stuff anf sometimes I can tell hes immediately annoyed. He slid accused me of having an A with a co worker 25 years ago. But the thing to take into consideration is that after D-day we go into a type of fog ourselves. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. If I know how maddening that is. I always look back on the fog, having come out of it, and say WOW. I really told myself I would do this 180 and stick to it, and then again this week I asked him to show me his phone and told him I know he is speaking with her, even though I dont know that. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). No yelling. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. Is that stupid? And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. Its hurtful what you are living with. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. He fantasized about escape. No begging or pleading. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. I dont understand how one can come home and tell a person they love them and then engage in such lurid conversations via email. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. I can totally relate. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. Im SO terrified of getting the next text that says we need to file for divorce. I would not give him a divorce so easy. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. He loves our daughter more than ANYTHING and I know that, and he knows he is a good dad but he also chooses to go out a lot and stay out until 3am and then claim he has no freedom. I really hope I have done whats right. Hang in there. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. Sometimes he asks me questions where I can tell hes curious about things, and then its like the majority of the time he clearly doesnt care bc if he did, he wouldnt spend all of his free time away from me. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. Thank you both for your comments of support. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. Its like, do I want to be my laid back self and just stop bringing everything up and just hope our connection can grow without all the anger and just push my fears aside and stop bringing it up and try to be patient even if he IS seeing her and just focus on us getting along for now. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. But I always told him plainly that we werent. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog - Emotional Affair The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. I believe when he says he loves me, I do know he does. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. Do that a few times and see what happens. But re/read 1 and 2 above. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. I wish he had any idea how this feels. I certainly included that in there, as well. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. If I told you the outlandish things my H said to me during the A you would ROFLMAO. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. All the comments he had been making to me was the start of his leaving. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. He doesnt want your help. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). The old line love you but not in love with you. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Surely her life was more important my jealousy. As previously mentioned, no two midlife crises will look the same, even among people of the same gender. When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. I told him his actions show he doesnt care about me at all and that he wanted a different life, and I told him to go have it. It blew my mind. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. I dont want to be around him. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. I cant even IMAGINE us being goofy and stuff like we used to be. Im praying time is on my side. The whole six months I thought we were R. IF you end up having to tell him the M is over, YOU NEED A PLAN. Im so much better than this. And then I was calling the shots. Hanging out in bars. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. Strong focused and determined. She was surprised and said OK. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. It will bring him up short. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. Get your self together. It is horrific but I cannot imagine it with a newborn baby. A 2 time looser. We laugh, we talk about normal things. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. So im done. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. I said to him you are a grown man. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. Best to you. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. First wife you give such excellent advice! He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. The funny thing is I feel like that started happening when I shifted my focus on my own well being and took a bit of a step back from it all. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. Because our relationship was failing. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. Even if its just her and I and he isnt here, I want to do what I want to do, and not constantly feel pressure to be busy and be out of the house just to make him wonder. The damage has been done. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. It is SO BIZARRE. Tells us that he has no contact with her outside work. He had ended just a few hours before but also told me he wanted a D the same day. Get a lawyer. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. I fought for our marriage with dignity and respect and with my head held high. It helps him continue the affair. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. He became a different person overnight. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. So I demanded the post nup. He said he did not want to be controlled. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. She was 40 my husband 58. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. Am I coming home too early? Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. I know down the road he would regret it. Here are my suggestions: And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. But he has stayed at the house every night since then. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. trouble is the tunnel I dont understand it. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. DDay 2 was my turning point. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. (Which was about a month ago now) And We had a very lengthy, crying convo, which ended with a long hug and him apologizing and saying he knows its all his fault and he wishes he could take it back and maybe down the road we could be okay and we decided no Divorce or custody arrangements, that he would give me some time and we would make a schedule for him and the baby. His behavior is unacceptable!!! I need to DO iT. His behavior appears to be those of an addict / whether drugs, alcohol, etc whatever. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. Valentines Day he gives me a card apologizing for his lack of emotion, his emptiness, unhappiness, etc. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. How do you get past that? You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. I dont know..Ive thought about going to a psychologist but I cant afford it. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. One who can guide you through this storm. But it was not even close to your situation. Or prettier. Because he knows I wont toletste anything else. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. You have tried. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. And then went running back to her in the fall. and I think he knows that. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. Thank you for your advice Doug. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. But I also dont want to be a doormat. He came to me that he has symptoms of Chlamydia and implied that I gave it to him but I checked myself and I dont have it. Thanks in advance! But he was in the fog and it was awful. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. WebMany of the symptoms of midlife crisis are due to hormonal imbalances that can cause anxiety or depression. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. It can be turned around. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. You just are not reacting to his cheating. I went in my own for years. He sent a text this morning just asking when the baby woke up. He continued to cheat. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. You are dealing with so many things narcissistic tendencies, someone not dealing in reality, porn addict etc.